Love with Laughter

I wrote this short story back when I worked as an Office Manager in late 2003. The story is based partially on real events, but the majority of it is fiction and is an experiment in a new writing style. I am open to comments, criticism, and feedback. Thank you all - J.D.C.

Love with Laughter
By Johnny Crow © 2003

My name is Darren Anderson. This story is but a small part in the opus of my life, grand as it all was, this story has more depth, happiness, sadness, intrigue, irony and heartbreak than one would only expect in an opera. Perhaps first I shall tell you details about my life that are essential to the story. The only place that seems a fitting start is the beginning itself.

I grew up a small boy, a part of two separate families. Not wholly belonging to either, it seems this would be the mark that I would carry with me throughout my life. I can say this made me have a tough skin. However, in reality all I really ever wanted was to be loved. Anyway I grew up in many different places, which helped to facilitate this feeling of not really belonging anywhere. I had a few friends that I did stick by throughout the years, with phone calls, letters and the occasional long distance visit. I had few girlfriends, and fewer opportunities.

My life seemed to stabilize when I entered High School. I worked hard, and tried to finalize my plans for the future, only to again be moved away from the only friends I had, and the only life I really knew. I sank into myself, closing off the world, and soon found myself as low as I could be. Staring up at the world from the bottom of the proverbial well, it seemed as though life were just a dream, a figment just out of arms reach. Somewhere though, deep inside I felt this burning need to find my place, because even this hollow cave I was in, was not where I belonged. It was not the comfort I needed. I worked hard and I worked slowly. I set small goals, and started to accomplish them one by one. Again my life seemed to have a stabilizing affect, things were good, not great, but good. I did not have everything I wanted, but I did have something, and that is better than having nothing.

Then, she walked into my life - actually It was more like I bumped into hers. I had first seen her in passing, and turned to look, and could not breathe. It seemed as though my whole world had come to a crawl, and I could hear only the shallow rasp of my breath trying to escape. She never really noticed me, and as usual I just stood there with a dumb expression, doing nothing. My friend finally drug me away, back to normality. I had told my friend what I had experienced; he told me I just needed a good lay. This felt different somehow. It felt like no matter what happened I was supposed to know this girl, this magnificent creature whose beauty could move a mountain without a single word.

I finally got the courage to talk to her. The more we talked the more I seemed to know that there was something more to us than just passing acquaintances. I had to know what that was. We exchanged numbers, and we talked here and there, nothing big. Through some tribulation I had to come to grips with what I felt for her. I had to tell her, whatever the outcome. I could not lie to this girl. I mustered the courage and told her, and it was like a great weight was lifted, yet with nothing really to show for it. It was great. Perhaps monumental for me, but overall it was just a needed revelation. I can’t say that it made our friendship better or worse. It seemed as though we talked less, but it also seemed we understood each other more. We both were getting on with our lives.

I threw myself into work, and tried to loose myself again. You would think I had learned my lesson the first time. I caught myself this time. Realizing that things happen for a reason, and that it is more about how we deal with things that makes us who we are than the things we do. I bettered myself, again working slow and hard, staying friends, and working through the problems of daily life. Here I was months later again feeling the stabilizing affect of hard work. Still talking to her, seeing each other here and there, messages sent to a from even if only to say hi. Life was okay.

Perhaps it is my own fault for the stability in my life to be put asunder, it would seem likely that subconsciously through my very nature I was better at dealing with stress and pressure, until I had finally found what I was looking for, never really settling for just anything. It had been a few days since I had last received a message from her. Nothing out of the ordinary, as it were. The day was quiet, serene skies floated above, and the last hint of spring still lingered in the air. I received a message in the early afternoon. Surprisingly it did not say as to whom it was from, but it was addressed to me, and it said


“I still love you, and I always will.”

I was taken back, shocked at the suddenness of it all. Not really expecting this from her, I sought counsel in close friends who gave me sound advice. They said that you get nothing in life without asking for it. I decided to take the chance, not wanting to ruin a friendship, but also not wanting to miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime. I replied back to her message, choosing my words very carefully. Never having done this before I said,


“Marry me someday then.”


Maybe not the way I had wanted, but it achieved the goal nonetheless. I waited. Thinking of all the possible outcomes. Waiting longer still. Then finally a message arrived.


“Are you proposing to me?”


Of course my jaw nearly fell to the floor. I waited so long only for a clarification. Now it seemed there was no mistake in this question and she had to answer, good or bad. I sent off my reply, nothing short of eager.


“Absolutely.”


Again I waited in agony for an answer, any answer. Quicker this time, I received a reply.


“Why would you want to?”


I had not anticipated a question like this. But perhaps she did not fully understand how I felt about her. So with everything I had, I put it all out there and said,


“It was hard for me to admit my love for you. My Heart aches when I am reminded of you. I get lost in your soul when I look at you.”


I waited, not so much in agony, but more in hope now. That with all that I dared to reveal that there would be something tangible I could take away from this. And soon I received another message, and it read,


“I do not ever think I would be on this side of your affection, I knew how you felt, but I had never realized that my hopes of being by your side would come true. I have heard you say these things to others but never to me.”


Now I was intrigued. I read the response several times, to make sure I understood what she meant. It seemed good at first, a revelation that she wanted to have my affection. Yet something didn’t sit right. Something in what she said was bothering me. She said “…I have heard you say these things to others but never to me.” I have never said these things to another living soul. My worst fears are coming to fruit and I can’t contain my despair. I write back in desperation, hoping that it is not true.


“Who is this?”


I waited hoping she would just laugh at me, for being silly. Silently knowing in my heart of hearts that I was about to know first hand the pain of irony and heartbreak. A reply comes; I open it slowly, with eyes closed not wanting to read it;


“It is Veronica, this is Richard right?”


… My heart sank, and I sobbed aloud. No one around me knew why, but they knew that it was real. I had to gain composure. I needed to rectify the situation and hopefully save face. I sent a message that I know would have a similar if not easier affect on this poor girl.


“No, Veronica… this is Darren, I was under the impression that I was conversing with Kaitlyn. It is all my fault, I do hope you can forgive me for my blind error.”


And so, I slowly slipped into a cocoon. Wishing that I had never been born, thinking of all the words I said to Kaitlyn, that she would never hear, for my heart could not take the pain of suffering another loss so soon. Later, that day I received another message from Veronica.


“Darren, I too am sorry. I am sorry that we both had to go through this experience. Now knowing that neither one of those intended to hear this will ever know the truth, I am grateful. I know you are Richards’s friend, and being such, I hope that not a word of this is passed between you two. I hope your search for loves ends well.”


I believe that it is these trails and tribulations that we go through in life that make us the men and women that we are to become. I came away from this knowing more about myself, and what I am willing to give to other people. This gave me the strength to move on in life and pursue what I wanted more vigorously.

The question I bet your asking is “Did you ever tell her? Did you ever marry her?” The answer you seek does not lie in this story; the answer you seek is in you. Perhaps the rest of this story is better told another time, a lesson for another day. I pray you take guidance in these words, and know that love is out there and that we should never stop pursuing it. I leave you with these words from e.e. Cummings,


"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”